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Jump and Run - The Horrors of The Male Physical!
By: Ed Williams

For all you ladies out there, if you want to know one of the things we men fear most, it’s physicals.

Yes, y’all heard me right, physicals. The yearly physical. Since I’m closing in on fifty like an all-you-can-eat buffet diner closes in on the soft serve, it’s time for me to start getting yearly physicals. And with that in mind, I went ahead and got one today, and I survived it, but it’s no walk through the roses, let me tell you for sure. Other than a vasectomy, there’s nothing that pushes the humiliation envelope higher up for men than a complete physical does. In order for all you ladies to better understand our fears, and in the hope of gaining sympathy for men everywhere, this week we’re gonna take the components of the male physical, lay them all out for y’all to see, and then discuss them. After we do that you ladies will better understand our reluctance to get one. As an upfront word of caution, most of you men out there will wince at some of these items, but I think it’s important that you ladies have this once in a lifetime enlightenment opportunity. So, with all that being said, here are the major components of the male physical:

The Weigh-In - If you’ve recently been hitting the Krispy Kremes pretty hard, this is not a good item to begin with. What makes it all the worse is that the scale the doctor typically uses almost always has a big face with large numbers on it, and it is not uncommon for the nurse to weigh you and say, right out loud, “Looks like two hundred and thirty pounds for you, honey.” If you happen to only be five foot five, this can be a tad embarrassing.

The Urine Specimen - Nothing’s all that bad about this per se, except for the fact that you’re not allowed to drink coffee right before the physical which means that all you can have is water that morning. It‘s murder on our caffeine addicted bodies, but we have to do it, and it does psychologically prepare us for some of the other sweet experiences coming up...experiences like...

The Interrogation- At this point, your physician approaches you, greets you warmly, and then asks if any of your family members happen to be bed wetters or serial droolers. The ostensible purpose of this is for you to let your doctor know your family’s medical history so that he can treat you better, but it’s still pretty harrowing. If nothing else, it sets you up for the next tender experience, which is...

Hammer Time - For some unknown reason, at this point your doctor will hit you with a hammer all over your knees and ankles. With a metal hammer, I might add. The reason he’ll give you for doing this is that he’s checking your reflexes, but I think it’s really done in order to provide a few moments of laughter for the doctor. Nothing like some humour to settle him down before the “big three” components of the physical, its true main events, which happen to be:

Checking the man out for a hernia.

Checking the man out for prostate problems.

Drawing blood to run a bunch of other tests.

Modesty forbids me describing any of these items in great detail, especially the first and second ones, but I’ll bet a hundred dollars to a doughnut that most of you men out there who are reading this are suppressing any urge that you might have to cough, and I’ll also bet that your legs are crossed tighter than Jack Benny. These parts of the male physical experience are enough to make you reflect on whether or not you might want to consider taking your chances with the diseases or problems that cause these personal “inspections.” Frankly, I’d rather cut my lawn with my teeth than have to endure them, and just thinking about what all goes on is making my legs hurt as I type this.

So ladies, there you have it, the scoop on one of the male’s greatest fears, the yearly physical. And please don’t give us any static about the demands of giving birth in order to counterbalance this. All of us men appreciate the fact that having kids is a rough, gritty business, but at least you ladies are physically designed to somehow get through it. We men, on the other hand, are ill equipped to deal with some of the invasive horrors inherent in our yearly physicals. And now, as abrupt as it may seem, I have to go as I need to shut down my computer before someone female comes in and reads these last few lines...

About the Author

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.



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The Power of Stretching    - Dave Snape

 

Your muscles ache from a good stretch. This is quite
normal and is part of the process. Stretching has
seemingly been with us and particularly with athletes
since the beginning of time.

A very key point to good stretching is to hold the
stretch for at least seventeen seconds. This is a
pearl of wisdom gleaned from a ballet teacher a few
years back. She said that any stretch under 17
seconds was just not effective.

The 17 second rule is exceeded in the high intensity
Bikram's yoga where stretches are held for about 30
seconds. Don't forget the high level of heat that is
used in Bikram's to extract that last little bit of
stretch out of your muscles. An interesting twist that
is not necessary to gain benefits from stretching. But,
it can't hurt, right?

So what kind of benefits can you expect from
stretching? That's an easy one. Have you ever seen the
movie, Blood Sport? Did you know that Frank Dux could
truly stretch his body to the extreme. The actor that
played him was quite elastic as well.


Great elasticity is also something you might see in
well trained Spetsnaz (Russian) agents. They often work
out with Russian kettlebells too. They are for superior
strength gains and the ability to withstand ballistic
shocks.

Why are stretching and flexibility considered important
to these people? Stretching gives one the ability to
have explosive power available at one's fingertips
without the need to warm up. Of course most of us are
not martial artists or agents. But, you'll be happy to
know there are plenty of other benefits.

Let me give you an example. After learning to sit in
the full lotus position for long periods of time, my
ankles became very flexible. One day I was walking
along and my left foot fell into a pothole. This mishap
pushed my ankle sideways to about 90 degrees from it's
normal position.

Amazingly, this didn't even hurt, not one bit. If my
ankle hadn't been so flexible, I may have suffered a
sprained ankle. At the very least, it would have hurt
for days.

Key point: stretching helps you to avoid injuries.
Not only that but if you do have a muscle, tendon or
ligament injury it should heal faster, theoretically
speaking.

Stretching actually grows the ligaments, tendons and
muscles being stretched. They really grow longer over
time.

Check with your physician before undertaking any type
of exercise, including stretching.

Here is some good instructional material on stretching:
http://tinyurl.com/6c6kq
 

Dave Snape

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